Published February 25, 2005
Think you're going to be in the spotlight
Try looking around you
You don't live in your own fairy tale
You live in a world that's tough
Try getting a grip on reality
And try not to fail....
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
You should lengthen it, but I agree completely with it. Trust me, I know.
It's a fine first stanza, but it ends way too soon. I really found myself wanting more.
Personally, I think that punctuation could do a lot for this "poem". You should put a question mark after spotlight and the a period after the next line. You need a period after the third line and the fourth and the fifth...
I would add the word you to the beginning of the first line. I don't like the last line... At first I thought it said fall, which I liked. I dunno, its really not powerful enough.
This is way too short. It really is more like an intro with little emotion. I would continue it and put some more emotion in it... I agree completely with EBM; this could explain what the poem is going to be about:)
-Nikki
You know, I really really like this. I may steal it from you and show it to my egotistic friends.
Yeah, its too short if you ask me. Considering as a first stanza, its pretty good, and it explains a bit what the poem is going to be about but (AHH!) theres no poem...You really need to make it longer and add stanzas, but judging the whole idea of the poem, I say its pretty good.
It could turn out to be wonderful, but it needs more length. So short a poem can't have much depth or passion, which is what people look for when they're reading. Try to explain what's tough about life, and the hardships gone through to overcome it. Convey your message in longer form and truly put your heart into it, thinking of past experiences you've had to tie into this.
way too short and way too simple. i don't even think i can get a feel for the poem to tell if it has potential from that. needs some serious expansion or more conveyed in short words.
I guess I'm just agreeing with the others that you need to lengthin it up. And why is your avatar wierd looking? Guess you accidentally pushed a wrong button.
There's nothing more to really comment on this poem as it's all been said but you do have potentioal if you just wrote a little more!
I have to agree with everyone else. You have a great poem going here, it just needs to be longer.
'You don't live in your own fairy tale/You live in a world that's tough.'- I think those two lines were the best in the entire poem. Accordingly, they need to be majorly polished up. These are the lines that people will remember, that people will chuckle at. It's kind of your spotlight (no reference to the poem intended lol) so don't waste it.
Fix 'em up!
As a general rule, only truly great poets can convey messages in such a short space. I would heavily advise you against these kinds of poems. Your emotions and senses are in a constant state of flux, so much so, I'm going to say, that you couldn't possibly explain your thoughts on anything in 38 words.
Another tip, structurally, this poem leaves much to be desired. You need stanzas, as they increase the appeal of a poem to a reader. Now, don't write an epic, but three to six stanzas is what I would bet is about average.
Agree with hekategirl.
It begins to become almost passionate but you cruelly cut it short for the reader, and we are left sort of hanging, expecting more, but receiving none.
This was to short, it had the poteinal to be good but it needs to be longer.